Will I Love My Dog More Than I’ll Love My Kids?

You’ve loved your dog for ever.

Just about as long as you’ve wanted children.

You’re now settling down - you’re ready for domesticity. You’re ready to open up your perfect and precious home to crying, laughing, chewing, scribbling - messes of all kinds.

And as you plan and hope and dream, you can’t help wondering if you have enough love and patience to go round.

Will you be judged more severely as a mother than as a dog-owner?

You find yourself asking: “Will I end up loving the non-demanding dog more than the difficult and very demanding children?”

It’s a Good Question!

And a very valid one.

Few people realise what parenthood will really be like. Even if they’ve spent their lives in large extended families with masses of babies and small children, the enormity doesn’t actually hit them till they’re on their own with another, totally dependent, human being.

I guess that’s why our inbuilt yearning causes us to lumber blindly into it! Something has to keep the human race going, and mass amnesia seems as good a way as any.

And I have to say that having spent eight years training, competing with, and wholeheartedly enjoying my four dogs, I was not a little trepidatious myself while awaiting the birth of my first child.

While people who hadn’t experienced the close bond I had developed with my dogs talked excitedly of the new life I was launching and launching into, I smiled outwardly - while Inside I was anxiously wondering if the baby could possibly live up to the dogs.

Those of you who have never experienced a close bond with an animal may be bailing now, thinking I’m completely off my trolley. But stay with me - read on a bit!

My dogs had clear personalities of their own: likes, dislikes, fears, energy levels - everything was individual to them. I suppose I thought that with its slower development a baby would take longer to reveal its personality.

How wrong could I be!

The moment my child was born he was there. Himself. No-one else. And while I was shockingly totally responsible for his very survival, never mind his development and education, it was a relief to know that he was now just as real to me as my dogs were.

Only different.

A Different Kind of Loving

Just as I responded to each of my dogs as an individual, so I responded to my son as an individual. While a dog’s development can be measured in weeks and months, only years will suffice to measure a child’s development. The time invested in child-rearing is of necessity much greater than that invested in puppy-rearing.

I found it much easier than I had feared to adjust to motherhood. It was much as before, except infinitely more time-consuming. Along with the dogs there were many cats, chickens, a flock of pedigree sheep, and a herd of pedigree dairy goats. I was already a full-time nurturer. So  adapting to my second child a year or so later was pretty straightforward.

My dogs helped me by getting me out and keeping me fit, and giving me time to myself (and them) when I was able to leave the children for a while. They also helped by keeping me in touch with my other dog-competition friends, and ensuring that no morsel of food falling from the high chair ever hit the floor, thus making up for the muddy paw prints and shed hair.

 

But the Same Kind of Learning

The pleasant surprise in all this was that the way I worked with my dogs was exactly as effective with my children. I didn’t hit, punish, or nag my dogs. They chose to work purely for rewards.

All animals - from killer whales to chickens, from donkeys to rhinos, from dogs to children - respond to choice-based training. This has been proven scientifically for many years by university departments all over the world. There is no need to punish - punishment only serves to make the punisher feel better and doesn’t change the situation.

• Give them the choice.

  “Would you like to wear your blue jumper or your red jumper?” is a very easy choice to offer, where you don’t care which they choose. But once they choose they are satisfied and they’ll stick with it. The dog equivalent could be “Do you want to put your lead on and go for a walk or do you want to jump around like a fool and go nowhere?” Show your dog the lead. If she keeps still to put it on then you can go out, if she flies around barking you put the lead away and try later.

• What you focus on is what you get.

  So focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. Basically, this means you reward what you like; you ignore what you don’t like; and you manage what you can’t ignore. Both dogs and children can choose whether to comply and get a reward (liver treat or tv program, walk or ice cream), or refuse to comply and get … nothing whatsoever - no reaction at all.

• Be consistent.

  What I had already discovered with my dogs was that being consistent made life a hundred times easier. If Yes means Yes, and No is never going to be anything other than No, you only need say these things just the once. As my wise four-year-old once remarked to a visiting child who was about to kick off whingeing and complaining because I had said No to her: “She means it, you know.” He knew that I was consistent. So it was very easy to follow clear house rules, rather than guessing “Is today the day I’ll be able to get away with throwing cake at my brother / pulling on the lead?”

• Be reasonable.

  Be sure what you’re asking is something they already know and understand. If they’ve never been shown how to lay the table, you can’t complain when they look blankly at you. If you’ve never taught your dog to come back when he’s called, how can you possibly blame him when he doesn’t?

• Be honest.

  Admit when you’ve made a mistake. Say sorry if you lose it. They need to see that we can be victims of the moment too.

• Separate the doer from the deed.

  There are no naughty dogs and there are no naughty children. There are dogs and there are children who do naughty things. Labelling them changes them in your eyes (not to mention their own!) and doesn’t give them the choice whether or not to repeat the naughty thing. If they are “naughty”, then they are doomed to stay naughty.

• Just love them anyhow.

  The dogs aren’t with us for long, and the children don’t stay children for long. Life is too short to fill our time with admonishments and blame.

Are you wondering if you’ll be able to cope with your feelings towards your pets and your children, or have you got it all sorted? I’d love to hear from you, in the comments below or here.

Want to see how I manage my dogs and my children the same way?

Watch this free Workshop and get some ideas!

How Can Your Family Dog Teach Your Children Empathy?

“You have to share.” 

This is a concept we all want our children to learn. Preferably before they become known as the mean kid at playschool. 

Nagging your child whenever he has something - but wants to keep it to himself - is not the way we want to interact with our family. Being told to share can push a reluctant sharer the wrong way and increase his feelings that his possessions are being threatened.

And it can backfire. Witness toddler Connor who wanted a taste of his mother’s glass of wine. When told no, he gathered up all the authority a 2-year-old can muster and said, “You have to share.”

So, to dodge this particular minefield, how about bringing in a helper who will teach your child the joy of sharing without any pressure - or even parental input?

Your Family Dog!

There she is, waiting in the wings, always happy to oblige with a bit of company.

Careful introductions

You have doubtless put plenty of effort into ensuring that child and dog got off to a good start - starting early in pregnancy acclimatising your dog to baby gear, sounds, smells (see Resources below for help with this). 

Exposure to each other should be limited and always actively supervised. The child should never be allowed to badger the dog, and - of course - you never leave any child alone with any dog, not even for a moment, not even while you answer the phone. Always take one of them with you.

You’ll need to teach the dog a default  Leave it - check out the step-by-step book here - so that boundaries (toys, food, beds) are clear and there's no confusion. And your baby will need to learn the same trick! It’s part of learning respect for others and their space and things. 

Oh, and no cutesy pictures of the baby crawling on or hugging the dog please! A little study of Dog Body Language will show you how close many of these babes you see on the internet are to a bite.

Toddlers and older children

So, having carefully worked through all that, the pay-off is that your small child should already have a firm relationship with your dog, enjoying the fun she brings to play, and the comfort of a soft, fluffy friend to commune with when in need of company or reassurance.

You can encourage your child to include the dog in his plans. You can encourage him to think of her needs. 

• “What’s Maisie having for dinner?” Your child can help prepare her something he knows she likes, and learn to see to her needs before he gets his own supper.

• “Where’s Maisie going to sit?” you may ask when being shown a splendid “treehouse” in the hedge. This is probably just a muddy hole with some branches over it - but it’s an important construction! And there may well be a place for your dog built in to the plan already.

• “Shall we bring Maisie?” You can discuss how Maisie may feel about the proposed outing, and whether she’d be happier coming or staying at home.

• “Do you think Maisie would like to be left alone to sleep now?” Oh how important this one is! Maisie has a right to her own privacy, and will need to sleep at least as much as your baby does. You can juggle the waking and sleeping times so that there are only very few times when both are active and need that constant supervision from you. An under-rested dog is just the same as a fractious overtired toddler - she can’t cope when she needs to be asleep and is being poked and prodded. Don’t test your dog’s patience!

Spontaneous Sharing

Sharing his treehouse, his games, his excitement, his sadness - and sometimes the food he doesn’t want to eat, secretly dropped into Maisie’s waiting mouth below the table - will give your small child a way to express himself and his feelings without the complications of human interactions or sibling competition. 

If he doesn’t want to feature the dog in one of his games or imaginings right now, then she’ll be happy to doze in her bed till she’s needed. No offence taken.

He will learn the pleasure of sharing in a simple, natural way - without us having to keep telling him.

Putting the dog’s needs first, helping her with the things she can’t do herself, and appreciating the things she can do so much better than he can - having her find lost shoes, for instance - will teach your child empathy faster than any other way I know.

The Darlings in Peter Pan had Nana. You have your own nursemaid. Put her to work for you!

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Blue Cross  
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Children and dog bites