Will I Love My Dog More Than I’ll Love My Kids?

You’ve loved your dog for ever.

Just about as long as you’ve wanted children.

You’re now settling down - you’re ready for domesticity. You’re ready to open up your perfect and precious home to crying, laughing, chewing, scribbling - messes of all kinds.

And as you plan and hope and dream, you can’t help wondering if you have enough love and patience to go round.

Will you be judged more severely as a mother than as a dog-owner?

You find yourself asking: “Will I end up loving the non-demanding dog more than the difficult and very demanding children?”

It’s a Good Question!

And a very valid one.

Few people realise what parenthood will really be like. Even if they’ve spent their lives in large extended families with masses of babies and small children, the enormity doesn’t actually hit them till they’re on their own with another, totally dependent, human being.

I guess that’s why our inbuilt yearning causes us to lumber blindly into it! Something has to keep the human race going, and mass amnesia seems as good a way as any.

And I have to say that having spent eight years training, competing with, and wholeheartedly enjoying my four dogs, I was not a little trepidatious myself while awaiting the birth of my first child.

While people who hadn’t experienced the close bond I had developed with my dogs talked excitedly of the new life I was launching and launching into, I smiled outwardly - while Inside I was anxiously wondering if the baby could possibly live up to the dogs.

Those of you who have never experienced a close bond with an animal may be bailing now, thinking I’m completely off my trolley. But stay with me - read on a bit!

My dogs had clear personalities of their own: likes, dislikes, fears, energy levels - everything was individual to them. I suppose I thought that with its slower development a baby would take longer to reveal its personality.

How wrong could I be!

The moment my child was born he was there. Himself. No-one else. And while I was shockingly totally responsible for his very survival, never mind his development and education, it was a relief to know that he was now just as real to me as my dogs were.

Only different.

A Different Kind of Loving

Just as I responded to each of my dogs as an individual, so I responded to my son as an individual. While a dog’s development can be measured in weeks and months, only years will suffice to measure a child’s development. The time invested in child-rearing is of necessity much greater than that invested in puppy-rearing.

I found it much easier than I had feared to adjust to motherhood. It was much as before, except infinitely more time-consuming. Along with the dogs there were many cats, chickens, a flock of pedigree sheep, and a herd of pedigree dairy goats. I was already a full-time nurturer. So  adapting to my second child a year or so later was pretty straightforward.

My dogs helped me by getting me out and keeping me fit, and giving me time to myself (and them) when I was able to leave the children for a while. They also helped by keeping me in touch with my other dog-competition friends, and ensuring that no morsel of food falling from the high chair ever hit the floor, thus making up for the muddy paw prints and shed hair.

 

But the Same Kind of Learning

The pleasant surprise in all this was that the way I worked with my dogs was exactly as effective with my children. I didn’t hit, punish, or nag my dogs. They chose to work purely for rewards.

All animals - from killer whales to chickens, from donkeys to rhinos, from dogs to children - respond to choice-based training. This has been proven scientifically for many years by university departments all over the world. There is no need to punish - punishment only serves to make the punisher feel better and doesn’t change the situation.

• Give them the choice.

  “Would you like to wear your blue jumper or your red jumper?” is a very easy choice to offer, where you don’t care which they choose. But once they choose they are satisfied and they’ll stick with it. The dog equivalent could be “Do you want to put your lead on and go for a walk or do you want to jump around like a fool and go nowhere?” Show your dog the lead. If she keeps still to put it on then you can go out, if she flies around barking you put the lead away and try later.

• What you focus on is what you get.

  So focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. Basically, this means you reward what you like; you ignore what you don’t like; and you manage what you can’t ignore. Both dogs and children can choose whether to comply and get a reward (liver treat or tv program, walk or ice cream), or refuse to comply and get … nothing whatsoever - no reaction at all.

• Be consistent.

  What I had already discovered with my dogs was that being consistent made life a hundred times easier. If Yes means Yes, and No is never going to be anything other than No, you only need say these things just the once. As my wise four-year-old once remarked to a visiting child who was about to kick off whingeing and complaining because I had said No to her: “She means it, you know.” He knew that I was consistent. So it was very easy to follow clear house rules, rather than guessing “Is today the day I’ll be able to get away with throwing cake at my brother / pulling on the lead?”

• Be reasonable.

  Be sure what you’re asking is something they already know and understand. If they’ve never been shown how to lay the table, you can’t complain when they look blankly at you. If you’ve never taught your dog to come back when he’s called, how can you possibly blame him when he doesn’t?

• Be honest.

  Admit when you’ve made a mistake. Say sorry if you lose it. They need to see that we can be victims of the moment too.

• Separate the doer from the deed.

  There are no naughty dogs and there are no naughty children. There are dogs and there are children who do naughty things. Labelling them changes them in your eyes (not to mention their own!) and doesn’t give them the choice whether or not to repeat the naughty thing. If they are “naughty”, then they are doomed to stay naughty.

• Just love them anyhow.

  The dogs aren’t with us for long, and the children don’t stay children for long. Life is too short to fill our time with admonishments and blame.

Are you wondering if you’ll be able to cope with your feelings towards your pets and your children, or have you got it all sorted? I’d love to hear from you, in the comments below or here.

Want to see how I manage my dogs and my children the same way?

Watch this free Workshop and get some ideas!

4 ways to find the right dog class

You’ve chosen your dog to be your companion, right?  

So when you look for a dog training class, whether for your puppy or an older dog, you want one which will enrich your relationship and make you better friends.

You may think that if only your dog could be taught to sit, to stay, to come when called . . . everything would be right as rain. But there’s an awful lot more to it than that!

Mothers understand that their child will not learn if he’s not happy in his school. The ambience and approach must be right.

So it is with dogs.

If your dog - your chosen companion! - Is to learn, she must be in a happy environment which is conducive to learning.

This specifically excludes

• Being stuffed in a strange room with a huge number of noisy, anxious, over-excited dogs 😱

• A “trainer” who grabs your dog and manhandles her 😱 😱

• You, her owner, getting shouted at and abused 😱 😱 😱

• The use of any aversive equipment (choke chains, prong collars, electronic torture devices) 😱 😱 😱 😱

• The use of aversive methods (yanking the lead, pushing, prodding, shouting, rolling, intimidating) 😱 😱 😱 😱 😱

Imagine you’re that mother looking for a school for her child. If you visited the classroom and saw any of the above - not only would you be out of there in an instant, but you would be reporting the school to the authorities!

So why on earth do civilised people accept this kind of thing for their dog’s learning?

My guess is that they believe hundred-year-old old wives’ tales about how dogs should be treated, and they have watched television programmes starring brash tv personalities who have no dog-training qualifications whatever. Those programmes are made with the sole intent of shocking, and boosting the ratings for the tv channel.

Or maybe the trainer is authoritarian and bossy and makes them distrust their own better judgment?

So to avoid these horror-classes, what can you do?

1. Research diligently. Ask specific questions about the methods used, the numbers in the class, any equipment you may need. You are looking for the words “force-free”. (Beware: “Reward-based training” is not enough, as there are plenty of ‘trainers’ who give a treat with one hand and administer an electric shock with the other. They like to style themselves “balanced trainers”.)

Check on the trainer’s credentials and check their memberships out carefully. Here you are looking for APDT(UK) (Association of Pet Dog Trainers UK), CBATI (Certified Behaviour Adjustment Training Instructor), IMDT (Institute of Modern Dog Training), KPA-CTP (Karen Pryor Academy Certified Training Partner), APBC (Association of Pet Behaviour Counsellors), VSPDT (Victoria Stilwell Positively Dog Training), PPG (Pet Professional Guild), ABTC Registered Animal Instructor (Animal Behaviour and Training Council) - any of these indicate that the trainer is entirely force-free.

2. Visit the class (without your dog) and spend a full hour watching and observing closely. If a visit is not allowed, discard that class entirely and look elsewhere.

• You are looking for relaxed, happy, owners and their families with relaxed, happy, and engaged dogs.

• Individual tuition with adaptation of the exercises to accommodate shy dogs, boisterous dogs, barky dogs, etc

• A calm and attentive atmosphere with NO shouting

• Small numbers (6 to 8 is good) with plenty of space between them

• An indoor location (particularly important for puppies)

• A structured class with variety

• Reference to the class resources

• A welcoming atmosphere with questions freely answered

• If it’s a good class, you should come away having learnt a lot!

3. If your dog is already anxious or reactive you need to double down on all your research. The wrong ‘trainer’ can make everything so much worse!

4. Follow your gut feeling. Can you see yourself enjoying six of these sessions? Can you see your dog enjoying six of these sessions?

Yes - that is a lot to consider.

But there’s a lot at stake.

You are going to live with your companion dog for 12-15 years. Do you really want someone to mess up your relationship permanently in a matter of weeks?

For force-free training you can totally trust watch our free Workshop on getting your dog to LISTEN!

Was your first dog your bestest dog ever?

My childhood dog was called Simon.

He was black and white and grey - a blue roan, in spaniel language - though much bigger than cocker spaniels tend to be nowadays, an old-fashioned version.

He was the same age as me, so we grew up together.

Harry Potter-like, he slept in the Singing Cupboard.

This was the same kitchen cupboard that housed the wireless, so he could enjoy “Music while you Work” and other such gems from post-war Britain while he dozed on his blankets. (No, he was never shut in the cupboard.)

In those days - especially in our suburban arcadia - it was normal for dogs to be loose. So our childhood adventures in the fields and on bikes were always accompanied by Simon.

Sometimes he wore sunglasses. Sometimes the poor dog had to wear shorts or a jumper. He took great pleasure in mucky pools and ditches, and he loved car rides.

He’d lie in front of the open fire and occasional coal explosions would result in a column of smoke rising from the sleeping dog’s thick coat. Very little bothered him.

Decades before dog agility was begun as a sport, I had jumps and hoops rigged up in the garden as a “showjumping course” for my dog.

So you can see where all this dog training came from!

Many people look back happily on their childhood, and the dog or dogs that pulled them through it.

It’s natural to want to re-create that for ourselves now, and especially for our family, so that our children can enjoy the same freedom and joy of having a devoted companion through the trials and tribulations of growing up.

But there are some things you need to keep in mind. 

🐾 There’ll never be another Simon.

There have been plenty of other charming canine individuals in my life - and I wouldn’t want to change a thing about them - but it’s not possible to re-create Simon. Each new dog brings his own personality to the party, and you have to work with what you have, not what you may wish you had.

🐾 Things have changed.

The happy-go-lucky life we enjoyed as children does not happen so much now. Dogs tend to be banned and barred from so many places that they don’t have the same social skills Simon had.

🐾 Breeds have changed.

What was once a suitable family pet is not necessarily now the case. You will have to dig deep here to find out what you need to know before inviting a particular breed into your home.

🐾 Memories are selective.

And as a child there’s an awful lot that I never knew or understood. My mother may have had a different view of having Simon - coloured by all the extra housework and possibly expense he may have caused. I never had to clean sick off the carpet - maybe it never happened. Maybe it happened a lot. I have no memory of that.

 🐾 On the plus side,

advances in understanding of dog behaviour and training have been so enormous over the past couple of decades, that all the help you need to rear the Brilliant Family Dog you want is available to you.

You just need to know where to look. Hint: keep reading!

By all means cherish the memories of your beloved childhood dog, and try and find his essence in a present-day equivalent.

That warm fuzzy glow of endless summer that I remember is far from being the whole picture!

Learn while you get on with your life! ++ special offer ++

One of the truly life-changing introductions of the last few years is having a whole book in a tiny gadget and having it read to you!

What luxury!

What a great way to make boring tasks go faster.

And what a GREAT way to learn!

You can listen repeatedly. You can rewind. You can speed the narration up (but do avoid making it sound like The Chipmunks!), or you can slow it down to catch the details.

You can really squeeze every last drop out of your book.

So that makes it a really effective way of training your dog!

Using a device where you can easily pause, rewind, and continue, means you can go through a lesson step-by-step, working absolutely at your own and your dog’s pace.

This is essential to ensure you don’t race over the important steps and wonder why it’s not working (heheh!).

And that’s why I had my Essential Skills for a Brilliant Family Dog, Books 1-4, professionally produced, and why I made them available as widely as possible.

The huge advantage to you of buying direct from the author is that you can get these books anywhere in the world - wherever you live! . . . you get a special app to listen in. (I know many of you can’t access Audible and other such stores.)

This is what some reviewers are saying about the audiobooks:

Excellent straightforward advice ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

“Beverley uses very simple games and techniques to help build a strong bond with your dog and bring calm and help with basic training. Highly recommended!”

Perfect tips for a brilliant family dog ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

“Fantastically narrated, providing tips and easy to follow examples for a brilliant family dog, whether have had dogs before or not.
Well written, easy to follow and ideal for anyone with a dog.”

Great book ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

“Great book, clear instructions and pleasant to listen too. Love it - highly recommended. Very helpful.”

Perfect! ... And Excellent, Clear Narrator! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

“I loved this book! I was afraid when I ordered it that it would be a balanced trainer and was thrilled that the author promoted force free techniques. I too use a Freedom Harness, a Perfect Fit, or Balance Harness, so I loved the mention of the Freedom. Although I'm a professional trainer, I always like to improve my skills and learn ways of teaching behaviors that may differ from my own. I'm very excited that this book may teach other guardians a fool-proof method of teaching recall. I was particularly interested in Premack, as my terrier is ALL about prey.



Thank you for a wonderful, simple, effective and concise book that I can recommend to my clients; a great reminder to practice recall more often than I do.”

Where can I get my book?

And to make it even easier for you to lay your hands on these audiobooks (and start enjoying them as much as Lacy clearly is below!) you can buy them direct from the author (me!).

And up till Christmas Day there’s a special 25% reduction for you when you use this code at the checkout: E6LQEZYXY1  Woohoo!

Don’t miss it!

Here’s where you go to get them: www.brilliantfamilydog.com/audiobooks

1. Choose your book/s

2. Select the button “BUY DIRECT FROM THE AUTHOR”

3. Be sure to copy the code above and paste it in at checkout …

 You can have a quick listen with Lacy now! Click on the black bar below.

How can I ever become a dog trainer?

You’ve hunted all over the internet

You’ve read all the books

You’ve watched the whole of Youtube

You have certifications coming out of your ears

You’ve learned ALL the things …

But have you done any of the things?

After all this work, are you any nearer to becoming the dog trainer you so long to be?

Well, I can tell you -

🐾 There is nothing wrong with you!

🐾 This is 100% normal.

Self-doubt

We all seem to have a program running that tells us we’re not good enough. That we can’t do the simplest thing. That whatever we try won’t work.

You may have been dreaming of working with dogs for years! You’ve been learning everything possible. You even signed up for a very good but very expensive course to learn how to train dogs.

But every time someone says to you, “You ought to be a dog trainer, you’re so good at it!” you climb into your shell and in a tiny voice say, “Oh no, not me. I just wouldn’t know where to start.”

Why is this so?

So why does this capable person, who’s been earning their living for years - working for themselves or for someone else - have a meltdown when it comes to showing their light to the world?

There are two main reasons:

1. They’ve been pursuing the wrong knowledge.

2. They think they’re not good enough. They think they’ll fail. They think they’ll run out of money and end up living under a bridge.

Let’s look at these more closely:

1. “Wha? Didn’t I need all this study?”

Well yes, you did. If you’re going to train people’s dogs you have a duty to do it right. (For anyone who follows Brilliant Family Dog this means without fear, force, or intimidation.) You have a responsibility to know your subject inside out, so you can back up your actions with the science.

But the trouble is, most people do that part of the studying . . . and stop. They never learn the vital second component - how to run a BUSINESS!

Fact is, your training certification is NOT enough.

It’s only half the story.

The other half is being able to present your skills to the world, have people come to you with their dogs, to give a superlative service, and earn a comfortable living.

You need guidance to show you what you need to do, what order you need to do it in, and - importantly - what you absolutely don’t need to do!

You need guides and templates, class plans and documents, to build into your business, to make sure you can earn your living without falling foul of the law or the taxman.

And as for

2. The not-good-enoughness, that can run deep. You may be fighting against years of thinking you don’t make the cut, that you have nothing to offer.

You’re going to need a bit of help to banish these thoughts, and see that you have something to bring to the world which only you can bring.  

This is the key - to recognise your own individuality, and know that people want to work with people they relate to.

There is such choice in everything - tv programs to watch, shoes to buy, food to eat - and there’s room for all these different things.

And this is where you need a mentor.

Someone who’s already done what you want to do.

Someone who has already walked the path and can show you the way.

You can gather information till the cows come home, but unless you have the support you need, you’re not going to get it working for you!

Do you command your dog, or ask him?

And I suppose I can add - do you command your friends, or ask them?

I guess the idea of issuing commands to dogs comes from when the only trainers were policemen, soldiers, gamekeepers, and the like.

They were used to issuing orders to their underlings, so naturally they would do the same with their dogs.

But like so much of what was developed in the last couple of centuries, these methods are now outdated. Much better methods have been discovered and devised, and what’s more - they work!

Issuing a command goes hand in hand with the idea of punishment if the command is not immediately obeyed. People tell me their dogs are disobedient if they don’t respond immediately to a command. How many of these people live with folk who need repeated requests to get anything done?!

Why do they expect a higher standard from their dog?

Thing is - life goes much better when we’re in a partnership with those around us.

We ask them to do things, and they have a choice whether to do them or not.

And that’s exactly how I like to exist with my dogs.

My dogs ALWAYS have a choice!

“But my dog will never make a good choice!” people will wail!

Master and Slave?

Basing your relationship with anyone on a master-slave approach will only ever get grudging compliance at best.

Basing it on a friend-friend approach will get you the outcome you want!

Now in response to the suggestion that dogs will never make a good choice - it’s up to me to set things up so my dogs make the choice I’d like them to make.

And that’s what I mean by “training”.

It isn’t about getting instant obedience because the dog fears my fury or punishment if they don’t do it right.

It’s about bowling along together in harmony, both wanting the same result.

Isn’t that much more appealing?

If you work this right, your dog will anticipate your requests and actually do what you want automatically!

Think on that!

Tell me in the comments, where do you think you can make some changes that will lead to this happy outcome?

If you need some ideas, be sure to watch our free Workshop on Getting Your Dog to LISTEN! Plenty of lessons there to get you started on a new and exciting track!